Moody

I think I am going through menopause, and although I generally feel normal, I have noticed that I feel a bit more weepy than normal over really stupid stuff. Obviously, since the first of the year I've cried way more than normal, but after bringing Rio home, the water works shut off for the most part. He is exactly what my heart needed to start healing, and I am so thankful for him. But at work yesterday I teared up several times. We have gotten really busy in my department, so leadership finally secured a new position. But then a girl I worked with quit, so they hired two new people. There are currently eight writing specialist and a supervisor, and there are 10 cubicle spots in the area. With two new people coming, that makes 11 people and only 10 spots. There was an empty cubicle on the math side, so leadership asked me if I would be willing to move there. I told them that was fine (what else could I honestly say?), and so I moved there Wednesday afternoon. Thursday and yesterday, I felt miserable. I am not an extrovert by any stretch of the imagination, but I feel so isolated and lonely over there and I cried a few times. The director asked me how it was going yesterday and I told her I don't like it. She said she was going to talk to the assistant director, but I told her not to make a fuss. After all, someone has to sit there. There were two better choices besides me in my mind, though. One is the supervisor. Rarely do supervisors sit with their teams; they are usually in offices. The other is a writing specialist who helps out with the Office of Disability Services (ODS), and the cubicle I was moved to is right next to the ODS specialist.

Anyway, I saw Wendy talking to Jonathan and Crystal (the assistant director and the supervisor), and afterward, Crystal came and talked to me. Rather than saying they were going to try to move me back, she assured me that I was welcome to come to the other side of the wall and join the conversation anytime I wanted to and that if I really hated it after a few days, they would put a table in the back for me to sit at. That did not help at all. I sat at my desk hardly able to work and contemplating giving my two weeks notice. I know it's irrational and that I will eventually adjust, but I cannot help but feel like I have been relegated to time-out for being naughty. I figured I was chosen because I am low man on the totem pole, but the new people are getting better seating arrangements than I have and it makes me feel neglected and unappreciated. They told me they chose me because I am independent, but I think that is a load of crap.

Billie has been awesome, though. She came and talked to me several times and asked me if I wanted her to switch with me. I told her no because she is the training coordinator and she has to be on the other side to train the new people. Then she asked to switch her lunch so that we could go together. I have sat next to her for a year and part of me was happy to get away from her because she often keeps me from being as productive as I could be, but I was less-than-productive yesterday and the day before. I miss her way more than I thought I would.

Last night Dan and I went to dinner with April, Landon, Ben, Nicole, and Peter. Nicole is a writing specialist and Dan and Peter work together on faculty stuff and are friends. Anyway, I told Nicole about my experience and she told me that she overheard Crystal talking to Brett, the only guy writing specialist, and she thought that maybe Crystal was asking him if he would be willing to switch spots with me, although she wasn't sure because she had her headphones on. I do not know what came of the situation other than Nicole thought he said he wouldn't mind, but I am afraid to get my hopes up too much. I think Wendy will definitely try to get things changed for me, though. I honestly do not want to quit my job. Never in my life have I had a job that I wanted to hang onto until now. But being relegated to the outer darkness is very depressing, and if I am doomed to stay there, I will quit sooner than later. I may wait until the new people are trained and then give my notice, which should be a little over a month from now.

I have no idea if it is hormones or just my personality, but I really hate feeling this way. 2019 has not been a kind year to me. It has been unkind to a lot of people, and I know a lot of people have bigger problems than I do, but I am ready for 2020 to get here. I pray that the end of 2019 isn't as horrible as the beginning has been.